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I cut myself on Brxk3nDr3amz to see if I still bleed.. Fuck.. if i still feel.. [entries|friends|calendar]
.Cut.Me.Pretty..

[ website | .The.Other.Side.Of.Me. ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Add me NOW.. [25 Nov 2004|12:25am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

New LiveJournal addy cuz this one is just oh so boring me to death:

Brxk3nDr3amz

Add it.



♥Nicci the PreTty PreTty PrinCesS... Right bestest bro? Cuz ur my lil Johnny Depp of a geek.. Luvz ya sexiness!

1 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

My scars remind me that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to feel.. [23 Nov 2004|09:45pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Hmm.. talked to boy today and he was all moody and stuff cuz he worked 12hrs. And when he said something about going to get drunk I was like what?! And he pulls the "my phone is dying" shit. One day he is so sweet and making me feel so nice and the next day it's like blegh.

I've been hurty all day. Someone bring me to the hospital.

I've been coming to terms with the thought of being pregnant and established some things I did not want to ive up or do but will. Being as my mom smoked Marlboro Lights since she started smoking, Connie is full of shit and it can harm the baby. My sister was born caulachy(sp?) and with an underdeveloped digestive system. So I won't even cut down to those like Connie did, I'm just gonna quit. And no one is smoking around me at all. I've got this weed, it eases pain for me right now, but I'm not gonna smoke the rest of it. I am gonna give up the pills (*CriNge x10*) and the green (*CriNge x100) until I find out if I am or not. And then if I am- indefinately. I am pretty sure by now that I am. But I think I will give it another week, or if boy comes down go this weekend and find out. He wants to date me and be involved with the doctor issues in finding out and such but why can't he suck up and get up here? Hmm? I know he works but and wants to chill with friends but hello.. I'm your girlfriend and I miss you.. And I'm scared and need you. I am not totally freaked at the thought of being pregnant when it comes to going through it and taking care of a baby. The only thing that scares me is boy. He wants to be crazy and have fun and all and hullo.. You can't preach maturity and wanting to be so and then want to turn around and ignore the responsibilities. Hmm.. I feel bad for him. Why did he meet me? Whatever.. I put trust in him. I fail to believe he is a bad person because he.. he seems like, he wants to do the right things all the time and then somethinghappens.. I dunno.

Anyways.. cleaned today. Grocery shopped. Got sick. In pain. Wanna puke and pass out. Dying. Job hunting tomorrow. Wish I had a car...

1 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

And it's all just so dark and cold... [23 Nov 2004|01:42pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Well, talked to boy last night and I told him not to ever call my house as soon as he is getting to work at 7.30am ever again. He was like I will I'm gonna call you at 6.00am. I acted unhappy, but I kinda like it. LoL. It's sweet. I think he's getting used to it a bit, comfortable. I think he needs alot of reassurance in things he does in life. That's prolly why he always needs everyone's attention and such. Mmm.. boy didn't call. I called him cuz I'm sad and he didn't answer, eh, he's working. I made a call to food pantry, LoL, and they are only open in the mornings. I also called social security and everything is gonna go to my name, mom got mad cuz she has the acount set up and was gonna take her name off and I guess there's a bunch of money in it. But I don't get to touch any till like next month or so, I'm gonna call her later, I fucked up. Oops.

I hafta go job hunting, clean and shower. I'm lonely. I want boy. Or Shannyn, or just somebody.

I want to just die and I don't know why.

Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car Scary conversations, shut my eyes, can't find the brake.. What if they say that you're a cutter?
2 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Good song... [23 Nov 2004|01:41pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I don't feel the way I've ever felt.
I know.
I'm gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills.
It takes my pain away.

[Chorus]
It's a lie. A kiss with opened eyes.
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are horrid times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.

I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Everytime time I quit

Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn't hard.
Anyone can say they're above this all.
It takes my pain away...
[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Sometimes you'll picture me I'm walking too far ahead.. [23 Nov 2004|12:05am]
[ mood | drained ]

I hate my life so much. I got fired cuz I was puking bad and couldn't stand there. Whatever. I don't want to be pregnant. As if I don't have enough problems. It would be nice but Jeff.. I mean, he's like we couldn't live together and stuff czu all that time together we'd go nuts. Uh, so if I am pregnant you're gonna think it's fair to be in Marshfield and have me be way up here dealing with all the shit myself? That is so cool. No. I inivited him to Thanksgiving with my family. My mom was fine with it because she actually likes him, and was like "finally" when she heard we were dating. He said he couldn't cuz he was going to his aunt's as per tradition. My cousin is bringing her bf and I wanna bring mine. I feel so guilty for fucking up my life so bad in 2 weeks.. And whenever we have family get togethers they lecture and pick apart my life and anything good they strike it the fuck down. They make me feel like shit the whole time to make themselves feel better. I wanna be there with him just to not feel like the loner, they all go to their own little groups and leave me to chill by myself, I don't have my head far enough up my ass to schmooze with any of them. It just makes me so sad.. I feel like I have no one. Because I really don't have my family.. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Show up there, tell them I have no job and I think I'm pregnant, and my bf couldn't even show up with me, and I am getting my car taken away? Tsh.. No. So I'm gonna stay home.

He has been sweet.. I'm starting to trust him a bit from the little sweet things he's done. I'm getting sick of everyone saying.. "who's your boyfriend?" "Jeff?! He's gay ew!" Whatever.. It's getting old.

I'm just so tired and sad and depressed. And I feel so broken inside. So alone and scared. And I can't shake it. When shit gets tough, it's like, I find myself in this scary hole where I just.. get self destructive. And sad all the time.

I don't care who anymore.. I need a hug.. But I feel so anti-social. Like I don't wanna have anything to do with anyone at all. I don't know why.

I'm so worried..

Her feelings she hides. Her dreams she can't find. She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind. She can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's fallen from grace. She's all over the place../She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside. With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside...
1 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Judy never felt so good except when she was sleeping.. [22 Nov 2004|01:24am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I've said it before and I will say it again. I'm still confused as to why I have let Jeffrey drive me so crazy. Why do I like him so much? Why have I wasted 4 months wanting to be with him, crappy when I do shit wtih other guys, thinking about him? I like him so much and care.. CARE.. It's weird. I don't let guys get to me like this. And he has. I don't have the feeling he is only with me cuz I'm 90% positive I am pregnant. He says the best things, he gets so jealous. LoL. I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I can't. I know how it feels and I just, I think Alex is cute for example, but aside from the fact the way he is and stuff just makes me wanna give him that hug to let him know someone cares, like a lil brother, I can't see myself having sex with him. I used to think John was cute, but what he did to me.. ew.. and him.. ew. It's like.. mm Jeff.. or something. I hate him, I don't want to get hurt. I feel so comfortable with him. I have never felt anyone I feel so comfortable with, especially in the sexual aspect. Mmm.. I am just gonna give up. And totally trust him. I don't want to, cuz I get hurt alot and I know how his mind works. And I just.. I dunno. I'm paranoid, he's way down here and I'm way up here. He works all week.. and then I sometimes get a chance to see him on weekends. I know he isn't an overly cuddly type.. but when he is.. I like feeling safe like that. It's like saying "mine". Mmm.. I would be totally content in just.. having him hold me or something.. It's not all about sex. Ok, enough about Jeffrey. He's stupid..

Jeff and Alex got a hotel room under Joyel's name, bad idea. They had all these Marshfield kids there, mad alcohol. BAD BAD idea, and Joyell left. So somewhere during all of this, the TV got pissed on and blew up, chairs were smashed, the phone was sliced in half and stabbed, and in the morning I guess Alex needed attention so he tipped Jeff's bed over. The took the mattresses and blankets from the beds and made a fort so he could eat his breakfast without seeing Jeff cuz he was mad at him for something. Alex, shitfaced in the morning, goes to Bickford's and orders $30 worth of breakfast stuff for two people. LoL. I went last night but by the time I got there everyone was gone and Alex and Jeff drunkenly fell asleep. So we ended up meeting these 2 random kids and drove them home and I was drunk and we had a 45min ride back to Canton from Whitman and I slept through the whole thing. I got out frozen, my feet were wet and cold. I couldn't move my toes or feel my feet when walking. If Jeff had just come over we coulda all just chilled and drank and been happy and laid. LoL. It was fun though. Sleep at 4am, woke at 11am, went to work, threw up alot, threw up alot of blood, left, threw up at home. Got in jammies and chilled. Tried to sleep but figured no.. Jeff isn't here long. OoOoOoo fucked before that though.. mm.. Jeff went home and Alex is still here, I don't know when he is going home, it's nice, gives me someone to chil with. John came over later with some ganja.. yay, but I don't like John right now. More tomorrow.

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Sooo happy! Finally! [19 Nov 2004|11:27pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

I was feeling so shitty today. But I went to work. I came home to see hwat was going on with everyone and talked to Jeffrey. He couldn't use up his mom's cell mins so he said he would call from Joy's, who I also talked to and admitted my wrong and took it upon myself to try and right a wrong. I can understand her ditching me because it felt right due to the drama. We're cool now I guess. I didn't think he would call me back but he did! Nick, Joy's bf, asked who was talking to and he seemed like he tried to not have me hear but I heard him say "my girl". LoL. I talked to Joy more and answered some of her questions cuz she thinks she is pregnant, almost got her to come up here too. I wanted to chill with people tonight. Not JUST see Jeffrey, but chill with some ppl. Anyways, Nick was asking me how old I am and if I was Jeff's girl, and I said I'm gonna be 18 next month and no, I'm single, Joyelle grabbed the phone and said Jeffrey was trying to get Nick to tell me he wants to date me. Now, me and Jeffrey had just had a convo. I told him I didn't want him to feel obligated because of a possible pregnancy. But because he cares and wants to be with me, which is how it was before all of this, he wanted it then and said he wanted it now aside from the pregnancy but the December 1st thing stands. He just doesn't know what he wants right now. Anyways, I said I didn't believe her and he took the phone and was like we're dating. I busted into Stephanie's room and straight voiced was telling him, no we're not, I want you to say it to my face. That's how you said you would that's how you're going to do it. I was rolling on the floor like, I couldn't stand up. He was like no we're dating, you're my girlfriend. And I kept saying I want you to ask me to my face. LoL. We had a good convo. He was saying he wants to marry me to Joyell and I said that's too much. Just cuz I might be pregnant don't feel obligated to do these things, it feels wrong.

He's gonna call me and maybe come spend the night tomorrow with Shannyn and Mikey B. Aww.. JEFFREY! He was like I'm not saying the "L" word yet, and I said .. "Jeffrey loooves me". And he was like, how do you know? I just know.. LoL. The little things he says and does and the way he presents himself, so possesive, I love it. Jefreeeey!! He's all I wanted for so long!! This feels amazing and no one is ruining it for me. Well, the sickness might, it won't go away. Eh.. Jeffreeey! I hate being so excited. But now it will be so great, Mikey B and Shannyn, me and Jeffrey.. yay! And it's funny, I refer to Jeffrey as Jeffrey, and Shannyn refers to Mikey B as Michael. LoL.. Jeffrey sounds funnier..

11.19.04


I hope this lasts and I don't get hurt again.. and it's not under false pretense.
[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

No more drama.. [18 Nov 2004|09:30pm]
[ mood | scared ]

The pain seems to be getting worse everyday. Like a little while ago, I was absolutely doubled over in pain. Searing through my uterus area, I felt like I was gonna piss myself, puke and pass out at the same time. I'm seriously scared. And alone. And I think I might just stab myself in the uterus and see what kind of pretty picture I can fingerpaint with the gush of blood before I pass out.

Going through this is scary.. and I don't even have Jeff being supportive. What an asshole.

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Maybe this will work.. [18 Nov 2004|03:05pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

::crosses fingers::

Think no baby.. x10.

NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY..


No pregnancy is good pregnancy...

1 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

I need a hug.. [17 Nov 2004|11:47pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I hate boys and their stupid games. I hate Justin Falcone because he is ignorant. I hate being lonely in this god damn apartment and I'm not gonna just go wondering the streets trying to make friends around this new town. That's stupid.

Ana is giving me a queen size mattress and that plus my shelves, my room will be alot better off. I can move the computer to under the shelves until I get some seating in my room but after that I'm gonna throw it in Steph's. The downside of the bed thing is that I just bought my leopard print bedset for a twin. Gah. I'm gonna get a nice black carpet for around $100 too. Yay pimptress. And I wanna paint my walls maroon. OoOo... See? Now Jeffrey can't complain about spending the night, he raves about how comfy my bed is and such, as long as I'm not in it because he fucking stretches to all points of the fucking thing so it's uncomfortable, its a fucking twin though. I wanted him to come up and stay Saturday night cuz Mike and Shannyn won't get here till late and it will be pointless for them to go back an hour later. Eh. I'm not gonna waste my time getting all worked about Jeff Mattson of all people.

I will get a bit concerned and worked up about the WebMD thing I saw today. It was a thing on signs of pregnancy, aparently if u miss your period and then have a light bleeding.. spotting, that's normal. It can happen. Morning sickness isn't just morning, it can be a nightime thing or if you get the bleeding thing it's usually a few times a day. Which is what I have right now. Cept I only bled for like 4days. Very lightly. And there were a few other things, I know that's alot of info but it's definately making me wonder. It said a blood test is the most efficient way of telling and that the kind of test I took is not very reliable with alot of women. So I think I will start finding doctors and such so that I can get a check-up and a blood-pregnancy test.

I hope it's negative. I want to atleast be 40+lbs. lighter before I ever get pregnant. I'm trying to get back to my weight from 9th grade. Eh. I gotta work tomorrow at 4. Something about this job is giving me a bad vibe. I hope this continues working out.. I need some reassurance. But the only one is Shannyn, which isn't bad, and Mike, but still. Jeffrey wouldn't be a bad bit of reassurance, or Brittany. But I hate her and hopes she dies, reading her DeadJournal means nothing. Nothing.

11.17.04- Yay Shannyn and Mike!

7 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Summertime, and the livin's easy.. And there's no snow.. [17 Nov 2004|12:32am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So last night I called Jeffrey at like 10 and he got all pissy and me and Mike and Shannyn made fun of him for being a bitchy princess. Mike and Shannyn came to see me and we tricked Thusan and Shannyn got to spend the night, we pulled an all nighter and had fun watching Viva La Bam. They left at like 5.30am. LoL. I worked tonight at 5, but before I left Jeffrey called. Aww. How sweeeet, but then he made me angry. He doesn't wanna come up on Friday cuz he would rather fiend and mooch off of Laura for Addies. Asshole. I wish he didnt act like such a fiend, maybe it's just me thinking it retarded to need pills to help your state of mind. All you have to do is do that yourself, I'm just weird with thinking pills can change your mental status for a positive because I had a bad thing with anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, they made me a zombie, I'd rather be suicidal than not know how to feel. And the fact I was absolutely addicted to certain pills at one point in time so I worry. I do them every now and then for fun but I don't get like I was. And so I asked if he wanted to come up Saturday if Mike and Shannyn come up and he was like yeah but I don't want to spend the night cuz I wanna be in my own bed blah blah. I know it's hard to be comfortable in a twin size bed with someone else, he can have the god damn bed and I'll take the couch. I just wanna see him, and if they come up it won't be till late, so there's no point in coming if they don't stay the night. Meh, he called. It was sweet of him. I'm so into it, but I'm not getting googoo over it yet, totally into it and all, cuz if I do then I'll get extremely hurt if it all falls down. I won't get into it too much till I know it's safe. Cuz then the pain is worth it when it comes.

Aww.. Shannyn said she hopes I don't end up getting hurt.. So sweet. She seems to be the only one that knows where I'm coming from in all of this. Shannyn is so weird. Like, I've pretty much been friends with her since the first day of school when I moved her, later discovering that we chilled when we were little cuz of the mutual friends we had, summerkids and all. But I remember one of our phone convos when we first became friends. We told each other our life stories. She told me all about her dad and mom and George and her life-drama, and I did the same. And then the both of us said how weird it was that for knowing each other such a short period of time we both opened up on some really touchy subjects pretty comfortably. We've gone through some tough shit with each other and some awesome shit. I mean, there were some times where we stopped talking for months, but the past year and a half, 2 years, we've been pretty close. We both grew up alot. She's always been a friend of mine though. Even though I considered Brittany my best friend cuz we told each other everything and sometimes didn't have to, Shannyn and I were closer than me and Brittay were. I usually don't have to fully explain myself as much with Shannyn and we can have intelligent convos with eahc other. Shannyn really is who I consider my best friend. I don't know if she feels the same way, but that's how I feel. Brittany and her are who I considered my best friends, but Shannyn is on such a different level. She's been welcome to alot more intimate details of my life. She's the only one that ever met my dad and knows the story with him step by step. The one who will never turn her back on me unless I were to like, stab her, even then I think we'd be talking a week later. I just.. As I worry about people back home and stuff, and how things are different, like being there for certain people and now I can't be in the same way, I worry about Shannyn. I mean as much as I am the immature headcase and all, she seems very mature but is still a little girl with issues and confusion, and I just worry about her cuz who's house is she gonna run to or get smuggled into when shit gets bad with her mom and other things? I worry about little things like that. I try to help people keep shit together, which is probably why my life has gone so long untogether. Does any of this makes sense? Shannyn do u wanna be my maid of honor? LoL.. Well, that's very far ahead, but to a more recent tune, would you like to be my baby's godmother? LoL.



...<3

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

He was feeling sick after tripping on acid... [15 Nov 2004|03:02pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

One of my horoscopes:
Mars and Uranus are in a rare harmony amidst the zodiac. Look for the emotional baggage of the recent past to suddenly not matter. Emotions can be channeled in positive directions when these two planets work harmoniously.

I went to sleep at 5am this morning cuz Steph was at the hospital with Jen till like 3.30, and everytime I went to sleep I woke up, and noticed Jeff wasn't there and it made me uneasy. I kept feeling pukey and my uterus was going to explode. Ugh it hurt so bad. I woke up at 2.30 and had to control myself from hurling everywhere.. I wanna know what the fuck is wrong. I think Mikey B is coming down today, with Haledog, ew, but maybe with Shannyn too. Yay! Shannyn! I don't much care for Haledog, at all, but I love my Mikey B and my Shannyn.. me and Shannyn are gonna get married. =-P I hope Jeff has been having a good day at work on his first day.. Meh.

I had the most fucked up dreams last night. I went back to Marshfield and Brittany was crying so I beat the shit out of her, and Mikey D just stood there and laughed and then he took off with Joyell, Jay and Mitch. And me and Jeff and Brittany were just standing there. It's weird. I wonder what that means.

::My shadows the only one that walks beside me my shallow hearts the only thing that's beating Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, till then I'll walk alone::

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Last time I was at your house I stole another can of beefaroni.. [14 Nov 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | loved ]

BrxK3nDr3amz: u should read my journal, DeadJournal,and comment on how much u miss me, public display cuz u miss me soooo much and u know it, u hang up on me and kick me out and then IM me and tell me u miss me and u love me and beg me to find u a way up here. admit it..
BrxK3nDr3amz: to the world
BrxK3nDr3amz: u LOVE me
BrxK3nDr3amz: and MISS me
BrxK3nDr3amz: and NEED me
BrxK3nDr3amz: u love that feeling of total non-safeness of me living down the street, that at any moment i could bust in and stab u and run off with the last bit of ur beefaroni. u miss it...
Shannynegans: why did you have to move away?
Shannynegans: I'm lonely
BrxK3nDr3amz: AHAHAHAHA
BrxK3nDr3amz: i knew it.. c'mon... comment...
BrxK3nDr3amz: u wanna
BrxK3nDr3amz: do u really miss me though or are you just being a wench
Shannynegans: i miss you
BrxK3nDr3amz: awwwwwwwwwwwww
Shannynegans: no one visits me anymore
Shannynegans: no one annoys me

And then this random kid:
CTmetalfan: ... i was staying in a room that faced a side street. So at 2-3 in the morning, i went out onto the balcony with an apple to scope things out. And there wasnt really anybody there, exept people smoking outside of bars. So i hurl the apple as hard as i could, aiming for the street. And it just barely missed the headlight to a parked car. It smashed into many many pieces
CTmetalfan: i showed the splat to my dad the next AM. He was laffing
BrxK3nDr3amz: lol
BrxK3nDr3amz: apple killer
CTmetalfan: dont go all PETA on me now. lol
CTmetalfan: j/k
BrxK3nDr3amz: PETA is animals lol
CTmetalfan: i know
BrxK3nDr3amz: and unless u glue googly eyes to an apple i dont think they care
CTmetalfan: people eating tasty animals

To hear more on the Nicci+Jeff continuing saga refer to my DeadJournal: www.deadjournal.com/~willbleed4luv

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Oh what the heeellll NAH! [13 Nov 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Yay! Jeff ended coming up last night as much as everyone didn't want him to cuz he looooves me and knows it! We did it.. and it was great, felt like the first time all over again, with him. They tried to make him choose between me and them.. nope. He's being all cuddly and stuff.. and being so sweet... Yay. This is the Jeff I like.. that I missed, that he IS.

Worked today, got paid.. Yay! And came home to boy, which is such a nice feeling. I was so smiley and spaced out today. He makes me happier than like, anyone ever has and I don't know why but I knew all this pain was for something. I like when he says I'm "his". I dunno.

This is a good feeling.

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

So excited!! [12 Nov 2004|02:49pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

Kottonmouth Kings and OPM are playing at the Avalon on December 6th for $15!! And then Social Distortion is playing February 22 for $25!!

I'm so there..

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

I'm absolutely miserable and most likely going to die.. [11 Nov 2004|08:13pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm Bucky the cat, I don't know how many more examples have to be given, this is the ultimate though:

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

I was the one who said put your lips like this... [11 Nov 2004|12:06pm]
[ mood | blank ]

So I worked the day I got hired, then I worked yesterday and hung out after close with Steph and my boss Jon, he's a cool shit. He was saying he knows mechanics and all these places cuz I told him I was trying to get Jeff out of his rutt and I told him about the job Jeff was going for right now and I guess if Jeff did move up here he would be all set. I'm good.. LoL. Yes Im talking to Jeff again. It kind of came under bad curcumstances, some of which I would not like to blast all over the net, a select few know. But I always had him on my mind, I figured sometime he would talk to me and he said the same thing, I just know his predicament and how driven he was before, when we first met, and I just want him to go back to that cuz when he puts his mind to something he's awesome. He was supposed to come up last night but he had to take a drug test today for this job thing. He said he could come up tonight. I hope he does, I wanna see him, he said alot of things to me the other night that I wanted to hear for the longest time.. And I had gotten somewhat over him too.. But maybe we had something and all the shit lately made him realize he gave up something he shouldn't have. I'm the one always forgiving and believing in him. I dunno. I just wanna see him. I miss his smile kinda, as creepy as it is, I miss his friendship.

On another note, Irvin, the cool island/emo kid I met on Yahoo that I've been talking to for a couple weeks got all pissed at me when I talked to him cuz I guess he was reading my journal and saw the thing about me and John on my first day in the apartment, and I guess it kinda made me feel good. As bad as that sounds, LoL, he was like well I obviously like you. Heehee.. Sorry Irvvvvvvy, I <3 u!! That and I got my room situated pretty good. I got the leopard print set I wanted so bad. The sheet set, I don't use the top sheet so I tacked it to my floor as a rug and it looks hot cuz the edges of the floor aren't totally covered by it and you can see the wood floor, I got black curtains and a black comforter too, and some nice maroon colored candles, they're set up around my room wicked seeexxxyy room..

I hate winter, my face dries out and gets dry patches, ew. Eh.. *applies Bath and Body Works cucumber melon* Addicted.. I hope Jeff calls so we can get him me and him have to talk about some things, alone, without outside influences and stuff, and I want him to see my new place. Wtf?! I mean he said so many things and I just don't want him to say them and want something to do with me because of the situation, that's not fair. Cuz even if it turns out to be nothing I still want something to do with him. Why the fuck do I get suckered into him? Why do I like him so much?

I refuse to use the word love...

1 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

But it ain't 5-0 yall know it's Nix yo.. with a J-O-B!! [09 Nov 2004|03:29pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

So 2.30 comes and I go down to Center Pizza expecting a job interview. Well, I walk up to the owner and he sizes me up, introduces himself and vice versa, looks at me again and says, "Ok, so I'll get together your hours and days and tell you."

I just looked at him.. Ok. Interesting, then Steph's friend Crystal that works there comes over 10mins later and asks if I wanna come in starting today for a few hours or in a few hours and learn their techniques since I already have 3 pizza places worth of experience. It's great, mad tips and it's under the table, so that's over $250/wk it sounds like. Plus I can keep my SSI at the maximum rate.

New goals since rent is gonna be a sinch:
[x] Get license before my birtday- December 23
[x]Get car on road by end of January


And now that all seems possible.

[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.. Like today never happened.. [09 Nov 2004|11:04am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So this has been a very interesting few days. Whitey randomly came to see me last night. I was talking to him online and he was like.. "Coming to see you!" We went to Marshfield and got the last of my shit and chilled at Shannyn's for a while and made fun of THUUUSAN! Came back and went grocery shopping with Stephanie. $138 later... But it was good cuz we got alot of those 4 for $4 things, pretty much bought in bulk, and all the shit we got woulda been 3 times more expensive if it all wasn't on sale, we'll be fine for atleast 3 weeks, which is good cuz we have to conserve with the spendage. I have a job interview today at 2:30 for Center Pizza, right next to Steph's work, and it's all under the table so I can hopefully still collect my normal amount of SSI. And it's gonna be a mighty chunk 'o' change from this place, hopefully, Steph thinks so. So Alayna helping me with rent for next month is gonna be so great. It was her idea so shut up so that I could finish paying for the damn car, and the damn thing will most likely be on the road next month.

I need to talk to Jeff, even if I don't want to. It did take something of me to try and get ahold of him. Being as he angers me so much and is just so fake. Ahhh... why did this have to happen? First it was a trick, harmless, now it's not, and this sucks. I heard through the grapevine Brittany may be eligable for unemployment really soon.. haha, and she's telling everyone she's pregnant.. haha. She just doesn't get it. The only people that don't consider her a slampig, white trash or just plain retarded are the people she is hanging out with. Mitch, Jeff, Joyell, Mikey D., and all of them. Actually, what she doesn't know is that Mikey D. has been saying for like a week how she is nothing to brag about and how he wants to dump her soon. And I heard this from 2 seperate people, and I don't feel bad at all. Losing her job possibly, failing at school.. possibly pregnant.. wow, you're so cool. Way to not be dependant on guys Brittany. It's wicked funny. Oh p.s. hun, just cuz he busted in you doesn't mean you are, pee on a stick. Right Ericay?

4 [ ... Wishes... ][ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

Stole! [09 Nov 2004|10:44am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

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[ ...Wish Upon A Star... ]

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